So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
