Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
