our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
The air taste purple.
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