the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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