Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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