My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
