Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
