I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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