Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
