so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
