I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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