I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize