So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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