i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
