If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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