3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Randomize
