I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize