May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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