Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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