and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
