I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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