i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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