so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
