Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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