Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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