dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
