so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
