I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
i out mim tonsoeep
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