yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize