my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
