woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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