Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize