Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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