I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize