wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
