i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
