You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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