It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize