Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
