thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
