I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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