Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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