I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Drunk is a universal language darling
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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