my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
