she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
