we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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