If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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