In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
We're too hungover to prance.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
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