I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
