what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
