i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
