How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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