Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
