She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize