hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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