remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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