woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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